This is probably going to sound pretty morbid to some of you, and I apologize in advance if I'm bringing you down from your New Year's Resolution highs.
I've been thinking a lot about mortality lately, namely my own. For the past five years or so, my sole job as a stay at home mother has been to keep my child alive. Due to the fact that I didn't have time to do much else (keeping a child alive is a lot of work, turns out), my life was basically one big sleepover. Literally. Some days, I didn't get out of my pajamas.*
Now that The Kid is a little more self-sufficient and I've been writing more, I'm getting the feeling that time is passing more rapidly than ever. I can't write fast enough. I can't absorb information quickly enough. I want to know it all and do it all RIGHT NOW. It's like that line at the end of When Harry Met Sally. "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody,
you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Only, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with is actually a career, and that career is screenwriting.
Where is this feeling coming from? This is going to sound strange, but even as a child, I always thought I'd die young. Now that I'm 32, I'm starting to feel like I'm running out of time. I don't actually believe that there's anything physically wrong with me, even though I used to be a raging hypochondriac. It's more a general feeling of dread.
I'm not afraid of death (other than the fear of my child growing up without a mother), but I do have some things I'd like to do before I die. I guess it won't be a big deal if those things don't get accomplished, since I'll be dead and all, but it would be nice to experience them while I'm alive. Mostly, I just want to see one of my screenplays get made into a movie.
Anyway, I don't know what my point is. Just that time is slipping away from me? Though I suppose that's not a new concept; it's slipping away from all of us, isn't it? Always has been, always will be. Unless that whole time travel thing gets figured out. Which would be awesome.
If you are reading this from the future and I'm dead, then BOO! Haha! But seriously, if I died very young, could one of you please make sure to put one of my screenplays into the hands of Alexander Payne or Judd Apatow (depending on which one it is, clearly), and guilt them into making my movie? And not one of those crappy Lifetime movies. My dying wish deserves a theatrical run. It's the least you all could do for me.
*Okay, some days I STILL don't get out of my pajamas.
4 months ago