Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Skinny Hypocrite

The internet is making me a hypocrite.

Okay, maybe it's not making me one, but it's making me more aware of my hypocrisy.

The problem with typing things online rather than saying them in person is that there's this record of everything.  "Written in stone" is nothing compared to "written on the internet", where my words will remain until the end of times, completely google-able. Not cool, I say.

For instance, anyone who reads this blog knows that I'm a big exercise-hater.  I don't enjoy dieting, and I don't think that I need to be any smaller than a size 6, which is where I pretty much always sit, naturally.  

Well, a while back, I wrote a post about how a guy at Costco was flirting with me, presumably because of the Star Wars t-shirt I was wearing.  I posted this photo to illustrate my outfit:

Please ignore my disgusted look...and my frizzy hair.

While I know that I'm not overweight in this photo, my pants were looking (and feeling) pretty tight that day, so I decided that I needed to do something about it.

...Okay, I didn't actually do anything about it.  I hate diet and exercise, remember?

Then, about a month ago I came down with a weird stress-related condition that made it physically unable for me to swallow food.  I wasn't hungry, either.  While not an ideal way to lose weight (seriously, guys, don't just stop eating--I was miserable), by the time the whole thing was said and done, I was down almost ten pounds, much to my delight.

So far I've managed to keep that weight off, and now I look like this:

Not the same jeans, but you get the idea.

I'm really happy with my smaller hips, but now I feel guilty.  How can I go around telling women to accept their bodies and stop trying to be skinny when now I'm kind of skinny myself?   I don't plan on gorging myself any time soon to gain the weight back, and it's not like I'd want it anyway--I think I look good.  Besides, wouldn't gaining weight in order to match an ideal be the same as losing it?  Wouldn't that be just as hypocritical?

Also, why does it feel so good to buy smaller clothes???  I shouldn't care what size I'm buying, but I do.  As a woman, I think I must be genetically programmed to want to wear the smallest-sized clothing that I can fit comfortably into.  If I'm trying on a pair of jeans that are a size four, and they fit, I'm probably going to buy them just because they're a size four.  It's stupid, and I'm ashamed to admit that I feel this way, but I know I'm not the only one;  more and more stores are vanity-sizing so that their clients will feel better about themselves (and spend more money).

So, yeah, I feel bad that I'm so happy as a thinner person.  More than anything, I'm just annoyed that I can't really talk about losing weight without feeling like the person I'm talking to is secretly calling me a hypocrite.  It sucks. 

The solution, I suppose, would be to never share any opinions on anything--ever--on the internet, but that would pretty much mean the death of this blog.  No way, Jose.  Another option would be to lie by omission and never admit that I like being skinny, but I really needed something to post about tonight.

Maybe I'll just say screw it and stop worrying about what other people think of me.  Yeah, I think I'll do that.  I'm healthy, I'm happy, and I look good.  Call me whatever you like.
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