Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Top 10 Most Annoying Celebrities of 2011

It's that time of year again, folks!  The time of year where I throw all my values out the window and talk trash about celebrities.

Last year's most-annoying celebrity list is actually my most-viewed post of all-time, so I rationalize my pettiness by telling myself that I'm giving the people what they want.  Let's ignore the fact that I'm selling out for page views, okay?

Great.  Now that's out of the way, without further adieu, I give you:


10.  Lady Gaga
No quote necessary.  This photo speaks for itself.
I struggled big-time about including Lady Gaga on this list.  She has some crazy-loyal fans who I fear very much.  YES, she's a great humanitarian and she's done a lot for the LGBT community, and I greatly admire that.  Also, she's incredibly talented.  Great singer.  Actually, the fact that she's such a good musician is the reason why she annoys me so much.  WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR A DRESS MADE OF MEAT?  WHAT'S UP WITH THE EGG ENTRANCE?  DON'T YOU OWN ANY COMFORTABLE SHOES?  It makes me sad to see paparazzi photos of her walking through an airport in see-through clothes and 11-inch heels.  Lady, nobody is going to stop liking you because you wear sweat pants in public.  I promise.  ...also, as my blog friend Abby pointed out, "Gaga is a straight ripoff of Madonna!!!"  That's true too.  *Please don't send me or Abby hate mail*

9.  Michael and Dina Lohan
Michael Lohan [to Lindsay, on a voice mail]: I absolutely promise you, I will not mention your name in the press, at all, ever again. (image source)
I hate that I even know who these people are.  If you do not, they are Lindsay Lohan's (divorced) parents.  They are equally awful, as they both exploit their unbelievably-screwed-up daughter for their own benefit.  If I had a daughter and she landed herself in prison, what would I do about that?  Write her letters?  Send her a care package?  Hell no!  I'd call a press conference and send letters to all the major tabloids talking about her!  They also have a younger daughter who looks like Karen Carpenter and recently got a modeling contract.  She just turned 18, so I give her a year or two before she winds up in prison or rehab.  Poor thing.  With parents like these, she never had a chance.

8.  Real Housewives of everywhere 
"I don't care if you're scrubbing a toilet, you can still bling it up." -- Alexis Bellino, Real Housewives of Orange County
I'll admit it:  I watch some of these.  *hangs head in shame*  The original (Orange County) and New York City have been set on my DVR for a few years now.  I don't know why I can't stop.  It's like crack.  Come to think of it, the fact that I'm addicted to watching them makes them even more worthy of this list.  Stop manipulating me, Bravo!  Mostly, these shows are made up of very vapid women with fake everything who drink during the day and get into arguments that sometimes turn physical.  It's like The Jerry Springer Show for the nouveau riche.  If you ever want to feel better about your life, just turn on one of these shows for fifteen minutes.

7.  Charlie Sheen
"I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars."
Maybe he IS from Mars?  The drug tests supposedly came back negative, (though I'm convinced that he must have been wearing one of those prosthetic penises filled with clean urine when that particular test was conducted) so what other explanation could there be for this guy's crazy erratic behavior?  I'm glad that he's calmed down a bit since the whole Two and a Half Men/Goddesses thing, but it doesn't negate the fact that this dude was all over tv, magazines, and the internet for months.  Forget Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn--Charlie Sheen will now forever be remembered as that insane guy who lived with porn stars and filmed long, stupid rants about "winning" and "tiger blood".  Way to go, dude.

6.  Tim Tebow
(photo source)
I don't actually have anything against Tebow.  He could be a very nice guy.  To be honest, the only thing I know about him is that he's super-religious and he plays football.  The reason he annoys me enough to warrant a space on this list is because I CANNOT AVOID HIM.  I hate football.  Stop forcing me to know this guy's name, internet.

5.  Kate Gosselin
"Everything I do is for my kids. My kids are the reason I laid on bed rest [for months]. My kids are the reason that I wrote the books, and it's always about them, and I know that the books are about me, but...what you don't see is the family inside. It's a desperate desire for me to provide for my kids." (image source)
I'm thinking this is the last year Kate Gosselin will be relevant, and for that I am truly thankful.  She has exploited her eight children to the point that it's no longer about taking care of their needs, but maintaining a certain lifestyle that she's grown accustomed to.  How can you go on television and say that you're doing a reality show so that your kids will be provided for, and then the next week go and buy yourself a two-door Audi?  Hey Kate:  if you want a career in entertainment, go ahead.  Just stop using your kids.

4.  Donald Trump
"You know, it really doesn`t matter what [the media] write as long as you`ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass."
My hatred for "The Donald" is well-documented.  I wrote him an open letter earlier this year, detailing all the reasons why he's a tool who's unfit to run our country.  I like to think that he read it, and that's why he decided not to run for President.  You're welcome, everyone.

 3.  Ashton Kutcher
"The truth is that I'm an idiot. I am. I don't do things by the rules sometimes. I say things that I probably shouldn't say. I push buttons. I deserve to be made fun of."
Maybe you and your wife had an open marriage.  Maybe it was over long ago.  Who knows?  Your marriage = your business...oh, wait.  That's not true.  It's everyone's business because you sleep with girls who run to the tabloids and tell us every detail down to how low your balls hang.  I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION.  He's getting divorced now (shocker), but it would have been nice if he'd have either not cheated at all or banged more discreet women.  I can't even watch That 70's Show re-runs now without thinking of what a douche this guy is.  This makes me angry, because that show was pretty funny.

2.  Child Bride Courtney Stodden & Doug Hutchison
"I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun."  (image source)
What in the hell???  He was 50, she was supposedly 16 when they got married earlier this year.  I refused to believe it.  This girl looks older than me.  Also...ew.  He's gross.  What kind of parents would be okay with that?  BAD parents.  That's who.  If you need a good laugh or an appetite suppressant, I urge you to Google these two and watch an interview.  My prediction is that they'll be divorced by Spring, she'll turn into a nun, and her family will sue him for taking advantage of their daughter.  That would make more sense than what they say is really going on here:  love.

1.  The Kardashians
"It seems that shows like Teen Mom are all of a sudden making teen pregnancy seem cool in the eyes of young girls. The kids from these shows are all over the news, even on the covers of magazines, and have been become almost like celebrities, but girls, these are not people you should idolize!" - Kim Kardashian.  Kettle, meet pot.  (image source)
No group of people has ever been so proud of being famous for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING as this family is.  They wear it like a badge.  People still watch their show and read magazines about their fake love lives.  These people were a no-brainer for number 1 on this year's list.  They're number one on everyone's list of annoying people.  Sorry to be so predictable, but I just can't think of anyone who deserves this honor more.  GO AWAY KARDASHIANS!  

So, that's this year's list.  That was cathartic.  I'll probably have trouble sleeping tonight because I feel so bad about talking crap about all these people, even though they all sorta deserve it.  

I'm sure that many of you will disagree with some of these choices, but it's my blog so it's my list and (if you haven't figured it out by now) I do what I want.  Many of the people on last year's list aren't relevant anymore, and that makes me very happy.  My hope is that I won't be able to think of 10 annoying celebrities next year, and I won't be able to come up with a "Most Annoying Celebrities of 2012" list.  Wouldn't that be great?

I dream big.
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