Saturday, May 7, 2011

An Open Letter to My Neighborhood Criminals

Dear criminals who keep robbing my neighbors,

I know you all probably think you have good reasons for breaking into my neighbors homes and stealing their stuff.  Maybe you're poor.  Maybe you're "risk-takers".  Maybe your parents never taught you the difference between right and wrong.  Maybe you just really like video games and laptops and young girls' clothes (seriously, guys?). Whatever the reason, I would appreciate it if you'd stop stealing.

Here are some good things to do with your weekdays, in case you needed some ideas:

1.  Look for a job.

2.  Pick up litter off the streets. 

3.  Start a garden.

4.  Wash your car...or bike...or sneakers.

5.  Do a load of laundry.

6.  Watch Maury and find out who's the REAL baby daddy.

7.  Go grocery shopping.

8.  Go mushroom hunting.

9.  Plan and make a delicious meal to share with your criminal friends.

10.  Return all the things you stole to their rightful owners.

I could go on all day, you guys!  There is an infinite number of things you can do which would be nicer, more constructive, and more legal than robbing my neighbors.  I encourage you to make your own list and start crossing off the items on it right away.  Trust me, you'll feel better about yourselves.

Thank you, and I hope to never be introduced to you...unless it's through the nightly news.



p.s.  If you try to rob my house, my dog will eat you.  He loves to eat robbers.  I'm totally not kidding.
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