"There are so many things I want to do, but I end up doing not much"
-Celine (played by Julie Delpy) in Before Sunset
I feel like I've been really busy lately, but I think it's just my brain that's busy. I can't read or write fast enough anymore. My thirst for knowledge on screenwriting has grown insatiable, and I want to make sure I learn what I can while I'm still inspired to learn it.
One thing that I've come to realize about myself is that I'm very fickle. It's very easy for me to let things fall by the wayside and let day to day life get in the way of me achieving goals. Sometimes, it's not even that I lose interest so much as that I talk myself out of the next step. I think I'm actually afraid of success.
For example, when The Hubby and I lived in L.A. and I was trying to make it as an actress, an audition came up for the touring company of Beauty and the Beast, the Musical. Well, I was ECSTATIC. "Home" was one of my favorite songs to sing in the car, and it had always been a dream of mine to be a Disney princess. So, you would think that I would be first in line at the open audition, right? Wrong. I didn't even go in. The fact that there was a dance audition as well, and I wasn't a dancer, intimidated me so much that I just sat outside the building and watched everyone else go in.
I still regret that, to this day. Sure, I probably wouldn't have gotten a part, but I could have at least tried. What did I have to lose?
What I'm saying is that I need to stop fearing success. The best thing that I (or anyone) can do is to do what I love and not worry about the next step. In church last Sunday, the pastor was talking about how so many of us let fear get in the way of doing what we really want to do. The test she gave was, if you weren't afraid, would it be something you'd do? If the answer is yes, then go for it! What do you have to lose?
In the upcoming months, I hope to finish my screenplay. Who knows if it will ever be made into a film? At least I'll have finished it. I've also got one of my old songwriting partners on board to start getting some new tunes together. Maybe none of our songs will ever make me one red dime, but I'll sure enjoy creating them!
It's time to stop dreaming about the things I want to do, and start doing them. It's time for me to stop wasting my time on things that aren't the least bit productive. My free time is scarce, I'm going to start using it wisely!
4 months ago