Wednesday, March 23, 2011

An Open Letter to Donald Trump

Dear "The Donald",

I hear you're considering running for President of the United States of America.  Good for you!  I hope that you make it through the election without any assassination attempts and with your health intact.  I do not, however, wish you a victory.  Why not?  Let me count the reasons.

1.  You are a birther.  Really, Donald?  REALLY?  Do you honestly believe that this country could elect a President that didn't even meet the first requirement for the job?  Do you seriously believe that his parents had the foresight to publish birth announcements in the Honolulu papers back in 1961, claiming that their son had been born there, all because they KNEW that one day he'd want to be President and they needed to get a leg up on the charade?  Hearing you keep saying "he needs to show us his birth certificate" over and over makes you sound like an idiot.  Ever hear of Google?  Here, I'll save you a step:  http://msgboard.snopes.com/politics/graphics/birth.jpg

2.  You have questionable hair.  Ok, that's not really a good reason for you not to be President, but it really bothers me. 

3.  One of your biggest claims is that you can get this country back into shape, fiscally.  Considering that you are part of the problem, I find that highly unlikely.  Your companies have filed for bankruptcy THREE times.  What about that fact infers that you are fiscally responsible?

4.  You are an elitist (and possibly a racist).  There.  I said it.  On "The View" today, you kept going on and on about how Obama is a "nobody" who just came out of nowhere.  You claimed that he didn't deserve to be President because nobody remembered him from his early life.  You said that lots of people remembered you, growing up in New York, and that you can PROVE that you did, indeed grow up.  What the heck are you trying to imply here?  That Obama isn't a person at all, but some sort of alien who came down to this planet twenty years ago to infiltrate our government?  You are not better than anyone solely because you grew up in New York and people remember you from your childhood.  That's just dumb.

5.  You are totally tacky.  Nobody wants to see the White House covered in gold-leaf.  Don't act like you wouldn't do it--we've seen your hotels.  You'd probably put your picture on the Presidential china, too.  Case in point: 



I know that if I sat here long enough, I could fill a book with the reasons that I think you would make a horrible President, but I've got stuff to do, Don.  The thing is, I just really really don't like you.  If you become President of the United States of America (or, as you would have it, The United States of Trump--don't act like you haven't thought about it), I will be forced to pull out all my hair and gouge my own eyes out with a spoon--the frustration would be too great to express verbally. 

As I said before, I wish you no harm.  I hope you get to keep doing business and filing for bankruptcy and marrying gold diggers and pooping into your gold toilet--I just don't want your decisions to affect me in ANY WAY. 

Please spare me this pain and suffering, and stop the madness now.  Do what's right for America and give up this dream.  Sure, I could assume you would lose, but that's a risk.  Your hair has hypnotized many middle-Americans.  Those tea partiers who have become disenchanted with Palin are looking to YOU to be their savior.  Don't give them what they want.  Please just go back to rolling around naked in your pile of money, or whatever it is you do at night.  A presidency would not be nearly as much fun, I guarantee it.

Sincerely,

TB, concerned citizen
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