Friday, September 3, 2010

You Can't Go Home Again

Today has been weird.  I've been thinking about my life, and for the first time, I'm disappointed with myself.

A headshot from my L.A. days, circa 2000
Don't get me wrong, I do know that I'm lucky in many ways--I've got a great husband, a wonderful child, we're financially secure etc.--I just wish I'd done more with my talents when I had the chance.  I feel like I've always done things halfway--I'm extraordinary in my mediocrity.

For example, I started college, as a musical theater major, and I dropped out after the first semester to move to California to be with my (then future) husband.  We moved to L.A. so that I could pursue an acting career, but I was too insecure to ever really go for it, never even securing an agent.  I starting singing/songwriting after I moved out of L.A., and though I have several great songs to show for that time in my life, I was always too scared to start a band and play actual gigs.  I never even learned to play guitar, so I am useless without a co-writer (even though I've been extremely lucky to work with some very talented people).

I'm great at starting things--not so good at finishing them.  I know that I'm only 31 and, technically, that's still pretty young in the grand scheme of things, but I find myself full of regret about all the things I didn't do.  Why didn't I take the bull by his horns and just go for it?  Why did my insecurities always get in the way?  Why am I sitting here, drinking a glass of wine and writing a blog, instead of writing a song?  Is anyone even reading this thing?

Anyway, as you can see, I am very introspective today.  Part of it probably has to do with the fact that I'm having some family drama, and my relationship with my father has changed, possibly forever, and not for the better.  It reminds me of a song I wrote about seven years ago, called "You Can't Go Home Again".  It's truer now to me than when I wrote it, so I made a video of my song for you all to hear. 

This video is incredibly cheesy, with pictures from my childhood and all, but I figured it was better than leaving the video part blank the whole time and having the audio play.  If you guys like it, I'll make more of my songs into videos and upload them to the blog, anonymously of course.  I'm too chicken to reveal my real identity yet, if ever.  This was, and remains, one of my favorite songs that I ever wrote/recorded.  I wrote it very quickly, and had the whole thing recorded less than 24 hours after receiving the music track.  The music is done by a very talented man who lives in France.  The background vocals are all me singing too.  I hope you enjoy it, but if you don't, I guess that's ok too.  :)

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