Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I can't always get what I want.

But I can try sometimes.

I'm really frustrated right now.  Do you ever get in one of those "woe is me" moods, where you feel like everyone and everything is against you in the world?  That's how I feel right now.  I know that I should look to the oil spill or the war or the poor and the hungry and get a little perspective, but sometimes it feels better just to wallow in it for a little bit.  Please bear with me.

The heat is stifling lately, and maybe that has something to do with it--it's hard to breathe literally and figuratively.  I feel like I have no purpose other than to cater to the needs of a toddler and a husband. neither of whom seem to appreciate what I'm doing anyway, so what's really the point?  Father's Day was last week and the hubby's birthday is this weekend, so I've been buying him gifts left and right, and I know that this sounds completely selfish, but what about me?  What about what I want? 

Here is an easy-to-read list of the things I want.  Just to sum it up, I want:

1.  A nap.

2.  Time to myself.

3.  A pendant necklace to replace the one that broke over a year ago (something I've been asking for for over a year now)

4.  Appreciation.

5.  Attention.

6.  Enough money to not have to worry about it ever.

7.  A home studio to write and record songs in.

8.  Time to myself to write and record songs.

9.  A co-writer/producer to write and record songs with.

10.  A bigger house.

11.  A new phone  (mine is on the fritz since I spilled lemonade on it a few days ago).

12.  Some new bras.

13.  Some new clothes/dresses/jeans/shoes/ get the idea.

14.  Someone to clean my house.

15.  To go skydiving.

16.  The movie It's Complicated (I freakin' loved that movie)

That list was very random.  I'm surprised I couldn't think of more things to put on's amazing how few material things I actually want when I think about it.  It's really the items that money can't buy which stand out the most to me on that list. 

I really wanted to just get out of the house for a little bit without the hubby or kid, but the kid's been having severe attachment issues lately, so I felt too guilty to leave when he started crying.  I'd like to scream really loudly to maybe let some of the stress out, but our house is so small that there's no way to do it without freaking out the kid and the hubby.  I went outside and pulled the weeds, but all that did was give me time to think and stew in my unhappiness, so that's when I locked myself in my bedroom to write this blog post.  I also took a picture of myself before I began, just to see if I looked sad...I did.

The kid was climbing up on the bed to give me a hug right when that photo took, so that helped a little bit.

Anyway, I don't know what I thought I would accomplish by conveying this terribly depressing information to you all...other than the idea that I'm just putting my wants out there into the universe, hopefully to float around and come back to me some day.  Like The Secret.  I hope it works. 
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